Undersize Me

A college student’s daily diet can be broken down into two basic food groups: Ramen and Taco Bell. Both are cheap and both are convenient. In stark contrast, Veganism -a diet that eliminates dairy and meat– is not conventionally cheap and certainly isn’t convenient. Yet oddly enough, veganism is a growing trend that is sweeping across universities quicker than scabies. According to a 2006 survey done by the Vegetarian Resource Group, one in four college students want vegan dining options on campus. This trend towards all things not meat is reflected most in the growth of Vegetarian Times, which saw a 19.4 increase in newsstand sales in 2006. “The vegetarian sector is one of the fastest-growing categories in food publishing,” says Elizabeth Turner, Vegetarian Times’ editor in chief. “It’s a dedicated group of consumers that is growing daily.” Approximately 15% of this growing vegetarian population is vegan.

Vegan restaurants have even become a hallmark of Bohemian urbanity amongst young people. In downtown Washington DC, soy and tofu have formed an incestuous bond with poetry, hipsters, and cigarettes. On Google I just did a search for “Poetry clubs in DC,” and my first hit was “Busboys and Poets,” a restaurant that’s menu is half vegan. And believe me; their plates of soy cheese on crackers aren’t cheap either.

So why are young people, in growing numbers, doing away with meat and cheese in favor of tofu and pinto beans? Last year, I decided that I could only answer this question by trying out veganism for myself in a project that I’d like to call “Undersize Me.” - in the reverse spirit of Morgan Spurlock’s “Supersize Me.” That’s right, for two weeks I went cold turkey, cold ham, cold pork, and cold just about everything on the American food pyramid. I truly wanted to understand what was driving masses of people towards a lifestyle that was inconvenient and expensive, and perhaps, even better myself in the process.

Before undertaking project “undersize me,” my typical morning began with a bacon, egg, and cheese hot pocket accompanied with a cup of coffee, (I needed the caffeine to resist the coma inducing powers of the diabetes pocket). Yet as soon as the caffeine wore off (typically after 30 minutes) my body succumb to the inevitable sleep inducing powers of starch and bacon fat. I went about my day sluggish, lazy, and unable to think clearly. At work, my co-workers and I would drive to McDonalds for their dollar meal – out of a lack of time for “real food.” And then, after a long, sluggish, and unproductive day at work, I would retire home and relax with a TV dinner and a beer. Miraculously, for some reason, I wasn’t 200 lbs with this diet (which means I either have a metabolism that could power a nuclear reactor or a tape worm.) Yet just because I was 100 lbs and a size 1, doesn’t necessitate at all, that I was healthy.

My worst health problem was chronic fatigue. I constantly wanted to fall asleep, any time of day, and I almost always spent my breaks at work napping on whatever vacant couch I could collapse upon– when I could’ve been socializing with my co-workers. At home, anything that didn’t involve vegging out in front of a computer screen, or lounging in bed, was too much work. Even hanging out with my friends seemed like a chore. Because of my starch and fat induced fatigue, almost every aspect of my life felt as numb, meaningless, and depleted as the lives of the animals we eat.
In addition to constant fatigue and depression, I had other health problems as well. Acid reflux was a daily occurrence, and TUMS became my best friend. While TUMS were my best friend, the seasonal flu was also a frequent acquaintance of mine – given that I had virtually no immune system against colds with almost no vitamin C in my diet.

Before beginning my vegan experiment, I assumed that sacrificing meat and cheese was probably trendy – first and foremost – for health reasons. After all, you are what you eat, and most Americans eat 50 pounds of pig per year. It’s no secret that one third of all Americans are obese and that 67% of adults are overweight. Yet there are even greater risks to the American diet than weight gain.
With fat as the main course, most Americans also eat a side of cow shit peppered with E.coli in their meals as well. In the modern, cost cutting and factory intensive environment that is today’s “farm,” livestock spend a majority of their lives wading knee high in manure. When a factory is required to slaughter hundreds of animals per hour, is it likely that they’ll wash the muck off of every animal processed? About as likely as likely as yours truly giving birth to a dinosaur.

E.coli, as a foodborne pathogen was literally birthed within the bowels of these feces dwelling cows. It was first identified in 1982 during an investigation into an outbreak of hemorrhagic colitis (bloody diarrhea) associated with consumption of contaminated hamburgers (http://www.about-ecoli.com/). Ever since then, Ecoli has spread hamburger to hamburger, patty to patty, killing 2,000 Americans and 3 million worldwide per year. McDonald’s may love to see you smile, but I bet they love to see you hemorrhage diarrhea even more. Along with many other Americans, I began to feel that it might be in my best interest to abandon juicy slabs of fat smothered in shit and disease.

My life flipped upside down when I began my Vegan experiment. No meat, no cheese. Vegans also aren’t allowed to eat eggs, but I made an exception for eggs – since I was still a noobie to the lifestyle. Gone were the days of instant satisfaction. The biggest change to my life was that I had to go to the grocery store every single day. Vegetables, fruits, and tofu products didn’t fill me up in the way that McAmerican food did. A regular burrito could satiate my hunger for hours, yet I’d have to eat about two Vegan burritos to achieve the same effect.

At first – being a TV dinner connoisseur, I tried to cheat by simply replacing my intake of regular TV dinners, with vegan TV dinners. Much to my surprise, most grocery stores today actually boast a wide selection of microwavable vegan products, including: vegan burritos, potpies, macaroni, Mexican and Indian cuisine. My local Giant even offered an entire aisle of organic, vegetarian, and vegan products. Vegan convenience is possible, but it comes at a price. Most of the microwavable Vegan products were two to three times the price of the regular products. I could get five happy meals for the price of one microwaveable vegan meal.

I decided that it was time to discover new foods. Hummus and pita bread were a life saver. For a reasonable price, around 5 dollars, I could purchase six plate sized loafs of pita and about 6 oz of humus. These two items together helped me make up for much of the missing protein in my vegan diet. Other middle eastern and Indian foods helped me as well, such as lentils and mung dhal for example.

After about four days of my newfound diet, my sluggishness began to dissipate, congestion and acid reflux disappeared, and mid day naps were a thing of the past. For the two weeks I was vegan, I had copious amounts of energy and actually felt happier. I did rather well on my diet for two weeks – considering that I went cold turkey – but once Thanks Giving rolled around, I lost myself to mountains of real turkey with stuffing.

For me, Veganism was good for the body – and worth the price, when considering the improvement to my health. It did hurt the pocket book more than typical American food, but in the long run its cheaper considering the future medical bills associated with American food. Vegan food also took time out of my day, but I liked having food that I felt good about, and that made me feel good in return, as a hobby. I even, unintentionally, lost around six pounds in my two week experiment.

As a soy Guinea Pig, I learned that the components of the Vegan trend embody the more general trends amongst young adults in America: a desire to lose weight, live ethically, and be unique. Veganism is all three wrapped up in whole wheat bun sprinkled with “Dr. Cow Aged Cashew Cheese.” So raise a glass of soy milk and drink to your health. If you want to “undersize” yourself anytime soon, there is an industry of “Tufurky” and “Sheese” awaiting you.

Feature Article Outline

I plan to write my feature article on the spat between the Chinese government and Google over censorship.

Google does not want to anything unethical, but still wants to provide good business.

Google attempted to bi-pass the wishes of the government by rerouting its internet searches from the People's Republic through the someone independent Hong Kong.

Google claims the move was necessary because the Chinese government was attempting to hack email addresses of human rights activists.

China denies the government had anything to do with the hack.

Now Google and China are involved in an open debate.

If Google pulls out, China could lose billions of customers. If China loses Google, the government could alienate itself from a generation of net-savvy citizens.

My feature will present the case, argue for which side is ethical, and discuss what should be done in the future to solve this problem.

Brief Dialog Sketch

Customer Service

Cafe Barista: Hi, welcome to Seattle's Best, how may I help you.

Customer: *grunts in response*

Cafe Barista: I'm sorry, sir, what did you say?

Customer: Doubletalllatenonfatexrahotnofoam-howmuchisit?

Cafe Barista: I'm sorry, can you please say that one more time.

Customer: Maybe you should take that walkie talkie out of your ear so that you could hear me better. God. What do you need it for anyways?

Cafe Barista: To communicate with the rest of the people in the store. Can you please repeat your order.

Customer: God! Can't you see I'm in a hurry!

Cafe Barista: I'm sorry, it's ten in the morning on a Saturday, where do you have to be? Are you the fucking president? CEO of Fortunte 500? Why don't you take a deep breath, calm down, and take the extra 5 seconds to explain your order so that you end up getting what you paid for.

Customer: (Indignant) Excuse me?!

Cafe Barista: What? Do you have hearing problems now?

Customer: I can't believe this! I've never had such bad customer service in my life! How dare you! I'm the customer! I demand to talk to the manager!

Cafe Barista: (Turns around. Turns back around.) Hi

Customer: Is this some kind of joke?

Cafe Barista: Would you like to file a customer complaint?

Customer: Umm...yes...I would like to report that I'm unhappy with my customer service experience today and that I will never shop here again.

Cafe Barista: Alright. I'll file that complaint on this form right now and file it away in file 13.

Customer: What's file 13?

Cafe Barista: The trash.

Customer: (starts shouting) You mother fucker! You're fucked now! My brother in-law is a lawyer and I'm going to sue you, and your boss's boss, and their boss's boss, and all your employees until you're all unemployed, homeless, and bleeding money out of your ear drums. You'll regret this!

Cafe Barista: Sir, if you don't calm down I'm going to call security.

Customer: And then I'll sue you to kingdom come! You'll see. You'll be on the streets, livin' in a bus with a crack addict and begging for my reconciliation money you piece of shit!

Cafe Barista: Alright, I warned you. SECURITY!

(Security comes out and starts beating "customer" with billy clubs and cafe stools. We hear "customer" screaming in agony and begging for mercy)

Cafe Barista: I think you may need to bring out the tasers. This one's a doozy.

Head Security Officer: Good call, bring out the tasers boys.

(Security stats to taze "Customer" and we hear more agonized screaming)

Cafe Barista: Would you boys like something to drink?

Head Security Officer: Oh, I don't know, my doctor said I should try to lay low on the caffeine. It brings up my blood pressure.

("Customer" is still screaming in the background as the rest of the security continues with the beatings)

Cafe Barista: Ah. I understand. How about some tea?

Head Security Officer: Hmm...that sounds good. Got any green tea?

Customer: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!

Cafe Barista: Sure do. And how about a bagel? Cream cheese?

Head Security Officer: Sure. Sounds good. I could use some carbs. Customer "service" sure is draining.

Cafe Barista: You can say that again.

My Encounter with a Bite Sized Vampire

Stephanie Myer’s release of the popular series “Twilight” has spawned an invasion of vampires of all sizes and shapes. I was working as a barista at a bookstore café when I encountered my first vampire. My back was turned to the counter and I was grinding coffee beans. Since there were no customers in the café lobby, I heard only the high pitched whir of the industrial grinder.

Suddenly, from behind me there was a hissing noise. I abruptly turned around, but saw nothing. Was one of our machines malfunctioning? A gas leak perhaps? The hissing happens again. I lower my gaze by about two feet to behold a cute, but fearsome creature. He’s three feet tall, around 7-8 years of age, and cloaked in a cape.

“Boo! I’m a vampire! I want to get some blood!”

I politely inform him that the café does not supply blood, but that we do make hot chocolate. I feared that my unsatisfied customer might suck my blood, but fortunately, this vertically challenged beast had a parental unit that provide for his beverage needs.

While the mom-unit was purchasing his drink, the vampire reassures me, “Don’t worry, I drink cows blood, not human blood. I’m a vegetarian vampire.”

His mom mutters “Shut up, Jay Jay.”

The vampire continues, "I do like to bite though.”

"HUSH!" his mom commands.

I begin to fear that there is there a head-vampire out there biting the youth in order to build up massive blood-sucking army.

Jay Jay’s mom – or I should say the vampire's mom - rolls her eyes and tells me that they just watched "Twilight" together.

Ah hah, so Stephanie Myer’s is the head vampire.

Explosions, Seductresses, Epic Battles, Pimps, and Miracles brought to you by the Best Selling book of all time – the Bible

Our best-selling author, God, blows his competition out of the water (literally) with plot twist after plot twist – making M Night Shyamalan look like an amateur. Read in at least 33% of the humanized world, and on the best seller list for a thousand years, the bible is without a doubt, the best book ever (James Patterson eat your heart out).

Like any great tale God begins with a “bang!” Bam! The Earth is made, and God makes it awesome. Here, a bit of pretentious flair seeps through his writing, God references himself in the third person a lot, (but when you’re book is on the best sellers’ list for a thousand years, you are allowed to do that.)

When the Earth is made, all seems well at first, but this is only the calm before the storm. God sets the scene in paradise, where our protagonists, Adam and Eve, live eternally young. But of course the complacent bliss of Eden only serves as a contrast to man’s tragic fall. Through a sequence of snake filled seduction, man goes from romping naked through flower fields to toiling amongst thistles and thorns (Genesis 3:18).

After Adam and Eve fall lower in self respect than tabloid rejects, God introduces more characters into the plot than a Tolstoy novel. In Genesis, he literally lists the descendents of every man who ever walked the Earth. At times this constant character introduction can become tedious, but that’s okay, because most readers will suffer through these parts until they get to the bits about Solomon’s 300 concubines (Kings 11:1).

Among some of the more interesting characters we have the seductress Esther, who uses her sex appeal to prevent a Babylonian king from committing a genocide against the Jews. Our Babylonian King is none other than the infamous Xerses - you may know him from the cameo in Frank Miller’s 300. It is a classic tale of drama, intrigue, romance, and murder. Not only does Xerses not kill the Jews at the end of this tale, but he has the man who suggested the idea of genocide impaled on a seven foot spike in the palace garden (Esther 7:1).

The most intriguing element of God’s writing style though, is his sense of humor. A prime example is found in 2 Kings 2: 23. In this text God introduces the miracle maker Elijah (not to be confused with everyone’s favorite Hobbit Hottie Elijah Wood). When a mob of forty-two young boys gather around Elijah and start chanting “go away baldy,” Elijah summons two bears from the woods to maul this motley crew of twerps. The vengeance of our bestselling author is as swift as it is sweet, and as humorous as it is creative. I know that I was one of the adoring fans cheering Elijah and his furry friends on as they kicked copious amounts of pre-pubescent ass.